THE UNCONSCIOUS

 

DREAM: The Unconscious, (December 8, 2009. Twenty years and three months after my memory returned.)

I am looking at my open hand. It represents a drawing of my conscious and unconscious mind. The fingers represents my conscious, and the palm represents my unconscious. There are marks on the palm of my hand that indicate my unconscious mind has more to tell me.

 

Spellbound

"There is someone living in your head besides you.You think you're calling the shots - that you're in charge of your thoughts, feelings, and choices. You're not. 

When it comes to how you think and feel your way through life, at best you're the co-pilot. At worst, you're along for the ride, at the mercy of a part of your brain that's overwhelmingly powerful but entirely unseen, influential but utterly secret from you."

This is the first few lines of author, Daniel Z.Lieberman's book, Spell Bound, Modern Science, Ancient Magic, and the Hidden Potential of the Unconscious Mind.

These lines blew my mind. I know my unconscious has been leading me around for many years. It talks to me through my dreams, guides me, helps me remember, and takes care of me by only feeding me information when I can handle it.

The unconscious part of me was as traumatized as I was, and throughout my life it has caused me to react and behave in ways I did not comprehend at the time. But, when I was ready, it urged me to remember, gently guided me through the process, and helped me begin to heal. We have worked together. My singing career gave expression to my hidden thoughts, and my many years of enjoying nature brought peace and balance to my life.  

Milton Erickson, psychiatrist and founder of the American Society of Medical Hypnosis, said, "The Unconscious mind knows what the conscious mind doesn't know the unconscious mind knows." 

I believe my unconscious mind knew when I was ready to remember my past, and began to feed me information through my dreams.That is in large part of how my memory began to return. My unconscious mind remembers things my conscious doesn't, and has been feeding me information for years. 

In the spring of 1989 the number of my nightmares increased. I would wake up bouncing off my bed. I wanted to know what my nightmares meant: what my unconscious was trying to tell me. Names of places, streets, buildings, and people I didn't know I knew began popping up. Through research I was able verify why these clues were in my dreams and I was able to begin reconstructing my past. There is a section in my book which talks about these dream clues and how I was able to verify their truth. 

 DREAM: “Mr. Go Calls” (September 2, 1989. Seven days before my memory returned)

 A man named Mr. Go calls. He asks to speak to my mother.

I say, “She is not available. Can I take a message?”  

“Tell her to return my call.”

He seems to think I should get her. "She is swimming, I'll have her call you."

He firmly replies, "You will have her call me?  I don't have to call her again?"

"Yes," I reply, "I will tell her." 

The alarm wakes me up.

My unconscious mind is asking my eight-year-old self to have my adult self get in touch. My child self says she will. In other words, my unconscious is ready to wake me up and wants to make sure my adult self is ready.

 

DREAM: Nate Johnson. (September 13, 1992, Three years after my memory returned.)

I am dreaming about the name, Nate Johnson.  It is in connection with a test for my human sexuality class. I think he has something to do with touching my parts. He is going to be on the test. I have to name the sexual parts of the body because he is touching some of them. 

In this dream I believe am being questioned by the police/FBI about who molested me. 

 

Added February 23, 2023: It just occurred to me that this is the name of the pornographer/pedophile I was with when found.

It blows my mind that I had this dream three years after my memory returned, but it has taken over thirty one years for me to realize this was an important dream. It seems my conscious mind was not ready to receive the message. 

Now that I have a name, how am I going to find this man? One of my early memories was that he was incarcerated in Washington State. My first thought is to call federal prisons. I still don't know when the trial was, but I suspect it was sometime in the fall of 1949. The reason I have settled on this time frame is that my mother, who wrote in her diary everyday, suddenly stopped, and it was many years before she began again.

I have searched Nate's name at Newspapers.com, but could find no listing during the time of my abduction, 1948, or for several years afterwards. Several athletes called Nate Johnson show up in later years. 

Do you have any suggestions? 

 

    Sunset at Manchester State Park in Northern California

 

 

I just received a very nice refusal letter regarding the publication of my book. 

 

Sharlene Martin of Martin Literary Management wrote: 

 

"Thank you for your query and the opportunity to read your work. Unfortunately, I feel that your submission isn't quite right for my list at this time, and I regret that I am unable to take you on as a client.

 

I review every submission personally and this decision was made based on a number of factors, including this submission's fit with my current interests. While this may be disheartening, please remember that not every agent is a fit for every writer.  I hope you continue your publishing pursuits, and I wish you the very best. Sincerely, Sharlene Martin." 

Onward and upward.